The Beginning of the End of the Beginning

So I’m needing a little confirmation that somebody is reading my blog. Please comment. Let me know you’re there. I’m feeling cut off from the world I once knew. And whatever you do, avoid Facebook since the internet’s so slow I can’t even post on walls. Email updates on what’s going on back home are amazing.

They say we will go through mood swings throughout training and the rest of service. Well, the confidence I was exuding a couple of weeks ago has taken a solid hit and sent me back down in the trenches.

Being sick was tough, but as I fought off my cold’s lingering hold, I received word that my grandfather was deathly sick with pneumonia, and it didn’t look good. My one major fear of leaving home for two years faced immanent realization. And though I hadn’t felt homesick for quite some time, I was pulled back into the misery of missing everything I left behind. And I’m not sure how, but all this served to weaken me so my confidence could be exposed and attacked. So now I feel as if my Russian will never be good enough, which won’t matter anyway since everyone seems to speak Ukrainian here, and my looming responsibilities at site seem impossibly challenging. Where I once felt comfortable I now feel like a stranger, unwelcome and unwanted.

Honestly this is all in my head, but training is so competitive we don’t exactly encourage each other all the time. And my pride keeps me from seeking solace from my competitors as it might reveal a crack in my armor. Staff from the office even gave us a speech about how if we were even thinking about quitting we should do it sooner than later. Don’t get me wrong. I’m nowhere near ready to give up. I’m just insecure, and a little lonely. And it’s not like I have any time to sit and reflect on any one success since now that I’m done teaching, my group has to plan an extracurricular activity we just found out about, a community project, and a three day summer camp for 6th graders, diaper deal to those of you who know what I’m talking about. And all this is due in a week as our project is on June 1st, and our camp starts on the 3rd.

Well, my grandfather is breathing on his own off the ventilator, the last lesson I taught was a resounding success all things considered, I only cough in the mornings now, I had a successful conversation with my host father without having to punt to my English speaking host sister or give up entirely, and I’m in Kiev. There are three weeks to go and the intense part will be over. I will graduate my cultural boot camp, be sworn in, and be blissfully sent to the middle of nowhere Ukraine all alone, an independent, functioning volunteer with a job to do. They said we would have mood swings. But they also said they would get shorter. I think I’m heading back up into no-man’s land.

Over the Hill

So I finally feel like I’m getting the hang of training and the end is in sight, when I get sick. And it’s hitting everybody, link cluster included. Started on Wednesday with a runny nose. No big deal, I’ve had a runny nose for about 3 months, must just be allergies. After I drug myself out of bed for class on Tuesday, it became obvious I was going to dehydrate through my nose. After the first 30 minutes of my tutoring I pretty much forgot all Russian, and English for that matter. Then I had to go teach a class, then suffer through a few more hours of class. I was miserable. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a true sinus infection. But two Benadryl and 13 hours of sleep later I felt a little better. Now it has moved down into my chest, but luckily I can at least think clearly. It’s really hard to speak Russian with a stuffy head.

So, three more cultural experiences to note. First, my cluster and link cluster went to Peregova Museum outside of Kiev, which is an open air collection of art and architecture throughout Ukraine’s history. And when I say open air, I mean acres and acres of exhibits in what could be useful farmland. And lucky for us, there was a massive craft fair going on. Of course none of us get paid enough to buy anything, but I found a couple of cheap, non-breakable trinkets for souvenirs. There was also some folk dancing and singing that was reminiscent of any folk festival and craft fair back home. Except that it was Ukrainian of course. No clogging or square dancing. But there were fiddles and mandolins, with the occasional accordion thrown in. It was really an amazing day and it was cool to see the old style Ukrainian villages.

Second, my cluster was invited to a “Ukrainian Discotech” which benefitted a charity. By Ukrainian they meant dress up in traditional Ukrainian clothes and come hang out with a bunch of teenagers. It was so cool. We picked out costumes from the costume closet of the House of Creativity and went and partied like we were in high school. Of course we Americans were picked on to take part in several embarrassing games. But it was so great to see some of the students we teach outside of class taking part and leading such a positive event.

Finally, this past Saturday was Victory Day in Ukraine. It basically is celebrated similar to Veterans or Memorial Day in America. Of course it commemorates the victory of WWII. It is interesting to feel the significance of WWII here. What we don’t feel about WWII in America is the consequence of having our homeland dominated, then the pride of driving the conquerors out to their defeat. The war is still very tangible here. They even dub certain cities “Hero Cities” depending on their valor during the war. It also keeps Ukrainians connected with their Soviet neighbors and Soviet past, and rightly so. The day was celebrated with a ceremony at the WWII memorial in town, with families and friends of those killed in the war laying flowers on the names of their loved ones. That afternoon there was a concert at which several dance troupes and singing groups, mostly traditional and folk, performed, including my host father. Then everyone went out for picnics and made merry for the rest of the day. There were supposed to be fireworks that night but they never happened, so we just hung out by the memorial talking to people we knew. It became evident how quickly we have integrated in this city as we said hi and shook hands at every turn, and even conducted a little business. We may not pass for Ukrainians yet, but we certainly have a lot of friends.

Things are starting to pay off and I feel like doing this on my own at site might be possible. The language barrier no longer seems to affect classroom management and my lesson plans are getting better and easier. Now I need to focus on my teaching skills specifically. We’ve been getting around decently with our Russian, and are finding people who speak enough English to supplement our shortfalls. And all the meetings we had at the beginning of training are starting to pay dividends as we look for support in planning our camp and community project. We just passed the halfway mark at training, and I’m starting to feel a little confidence that I’ll make it through.

Kiev

Another long and hard week. It was frustrating that the school changed its schedule without notice and I only got to teach for fifteen minutes, ten of which were my partner's responsibility. We had expected to alternate sections of the class and hers was the logical section to teach in the shortened schedule. This is something I've been told to get used to. Still felt a little more comfortable in the classroom. I teach civics this week.

The difficult week was made bearable by a trip to Kiev the previous Sunday. We went as a cluster with the guidance of our language instructors, who really just wanted to go shopping, and rightly so. We walked around what felt like the entire city, stopping in at churches and overlooks to see the sights. My favorite parts of the day were probably the most spontaneous. Our technical instructor decided the quickest way to get to the Peace Corps office was through the botanical gardens. Best shortcut ever. Beautiful mini magnolias were in bloom as we strolled through the gardens. We ate at a wonderful Ukrainian restaurant for lunch, but it was slightly overshadowed by the deep fried hotdog I had for 50 cents on the street. And the churches were nice, but it was the giant painted styrofoam eggs spread throughout the grounds that entertained us the most. We had a large photo op with the eggs in various poses rousing much laughter from the cluster and funny looks from Ukrainians. My truly favorite moment was walking into Mykhailivska church to the sounds of a gorgeous choir. We were lucky to have caught the singing on one of the few days they perform and at the only time that day. It made for a truly moving experience as I perused the gilded icons and frescoes covering the walls of the immaculate church. As our instructors shopped we were fortunate to people gaze for an hour while listening to the lovely tunes of America's greatest hits sung by a Ukrainian duo that would have rocked any frat party. And I must admit I got fries and a McFlurry. It was a really good day and a good reward for three weeks of training.

My bout with homesickness has subsided for the moment. It feels really good to say I've been here for a month, though the next 26 stand as a formidable peak to be conquered. Communications with my host family are getting better and my city is starting to feel like home. But I never get truly comfortable without some event proving that complacency is inherently forbidden in the Peace Corps experience. But there is also always a measure of success that rewards and motivates. I know I am more capable now than I was four weeks ago, and that makes it all worth it.